Emmett Cullen's Jug Band Christmas
by Undercooked
Summary: A parody of 'Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas'. C'mon, Emmet and Alice Otter? It was BEGGING to be parodied! Crack isn't a writing style, it's a way of life! T for mild language, drug use, and frequent removal of pants. Bad Carlisle!
1. Pants Are For Squares

Disclaimer: I...--points to self--...don't...--shakes head rapidly--...own...--holds hands to chest--...book! --pretends to read-- Did you get that, or should I repeat it, slower?

A/N -- I was reading 'Breaking Dawn' and someone mentioned Emmett, and suddenly I had a flashback to January, when my mother made me watch a monstrosity of a movie...and that movie was 'Emmet Otter's Jug-Band Christmas'. Of course, after that, I couldn't resist. There will probably be two or three chapters before this gives up the ghost, but who knows, maybe more. I doubt there's much in the way of spoilers, but you should probably watch out. I'm pretty scatter-brained. Hopefully, no-one who reads 'Cherry Cheesecake' will read this, because I haven't worked on that in so long that it's growing mold. Oh, well. I'm rambling. Without further ado, I give you...PURE CRACK ON A PLATTER!

**EMMETT CULLEN'S JUG-BAND CHRISTMAS**

**by Undercooked**

**CHAPTER 1 -- **

**PANTS ARE FOR SQUARES**

_Toot._

"Emmett, stop blowing on that jug."

_Toot toooooot!_

"I will kill you with my own hands and then dine on your shredded corpse."

_Toot toot toot toot tooot tooooot!_

"THAT'S IT!"

Rosalie grabbed the jug and threw it against the wall.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR, YOU PSYCHOTIC CRADLE-ROBBING HO?" Emmett yelled, running to the fragments of his beloved jug. "GO RAID AN ORPHANAGE OR SOMETHING! ME AND JUGGY NEED SOME TIME ALONE!"

Rosalie hissed and went to kidnap someone else's child to make herself feel better.

"Someday, I'll be able to play my jug whenever I want to without prejudice!" sobbed Emmett, gathering up the pieces of the jug. "Someday, there'll be a place for us, Juggy!"

"There's aaaaa place for ussss!" sang a woman, spinning in.

"SHUT UP, MARIA!" Emmett cried, throwing a lethal piece of Juggy at her, which split her jugular quite nicely.

"Someday, Juggy, it'll be you and me." Emmett said melodramatically, as Maria lay bleeding and twitching only feet away. "Someday, I'll be an OTTER!"

"Yeah, I was totally tearing up until he said..." Alice said, listening from the next room.

"And since when has West Side Story had permission to invade our house?" Jasper agreed, also listening.

"I know you guys are listening! And I want you ALL to be part of my dream!" Emmett yelled, as Tony ran into the room and dragged Maria's body away, leaving a dark red trail behind them.

"Damn ketchup packs." muttered Emmett as he stepped on another and it squirted all over him. "Next time there's a ketchup fight in THIS HOUSE, someone's going to have to clean it up!"

Alice and Jasper looked at each other.

"Shit. Those poorly executed blood/ketchup jokes just threw me out of line." Emmett grumbled. "Where was I? Oh, yes! I want you ALL to be part of my dream! Come with MEEEE!"

Suddenly, the world underwent a drastic change. The ground shifted underneath their feet. Emmett, Alice, and Jasper were uprooted from where they stood. Rosalie was sucked away from the preschool class she was kidnapping, and Carlisle was pulled away from his prostitute. Esme was hurled from her drug deal, (which was about to go bad anyway), and Edward was, mercifully, yanked away from his incessant SPARKLING. Bella was flung from the china shop she was maneuvering through carefully, sweating bullets, and Jacob was dumped cruelly out of his flea bath.

Oh, the humanity!

Or, rather, lack of humanity!

Our dear characters woke up in a very different world than the one they were used to, and bad jokes were seconds behind.

"Jacob, I don't think we're in Washington anymore!" Bella exclaimed, trying to no avail to wrestle the werewolf into a basket.

She didn't notice the eight eyes locked on her accusingly.

"This is all your fault!" Rosalie yelled, pointing at her.

"How do you figure that?" Bella asked.

"Well, every time something goes wrong, it usually relates back to you in SOME way." Carlisle explained, looking intelligent.

"...Why aren't you wearing any pants?" Esme asked after a moment.

"PANTS ARE FOR SQUARES!" yelled Carlisle.

Edward immediately took off his pants.

Everyone stared at him.

"I...didn't want to be a square." he explained sheepishly.

"Maybe everyone should just PUT THEIR PANTS BACK ON so we can come up with a plan." Esme said calmly.

"Okay, that's it, you are on SOME kind of drug." Carlisle said. "No-one is THAT CALM." And with that, he attacked her, pulling out all her pockets until he discovered a bag of mysterious powder stuffed in her shoe.

"I KNEW IT!"

"It's flour! I was going to bake you a cake!" Esme yelled, her eyes darting back and forth.

"I CAN'T EAT CAKE!"

"IT WOULD HAVE BEEN A NICE GESTURE!"

Suddenly, their idiotic banter was interrupted by Emmett yelling,

"It's my dream come true! I'm an otter! With a jug!"

Everyone looked, to find that they had undergone a change in the last few lines of pointless yapping.

They were all otters, although Emmett was the only was fortunate enough to have a jug.

"Aww, I'm so fuzzy!" Bella said, poking herself.

"NO!" Edward yelled, tackling her.

"What is it?" she asked, bewildered.

"There was a mosquito on your nose!" he exclaimed frantically, before he realized he had tackled her onto a freeway and they both got creamed by a steam roller.

"Now what do we do?" asked Alice.

"You're the one who can see the future!" Jasper said, smacking himself on the forehead with one cute furry paw.

"Oh. Right." Alice said, crinkling up her cute little otter whiskers. "Um...I see us...damn we're cute...I see us...forming a band! A...jug-band! And winning the fifty dollar prize!"

"Fifty dollars?" Carlisle snorted. "I wipe my ASS with fifty dollars after I--"

"That was disgusting and unnecessary." Esme sniffed at the author.

"But dammit, I bet it made at least ONE person laugh!" Undercooked giggled.

And thus, they formed a jug-band.

But that was only the beginning of their plight.

What horrors await the Cullens plus Jacob? Will Rosalie steal all the otter children? Will Jacob finally fit in Bella's basket? Will Carlisle find some pants? DO OTTERS WEAR PANTS?

Read on to find out!

(Well, not that I imagine anyone other than a restrained psychopath with nothing better to do than stare at the wall and rock back and forth would, but it was a nice ending, right?)


	2. Otters Just Don't Wear Pants

Disclaimer: I OWN IT! Now what are you going to do?

--Feds-- GET HER! THAT GIRL IS WANTED FOR COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!!

Really? REALLY? Well, I'll be busy bailing myself out of prison. Enjoy the story, I suppose.

A/N -- In this chapter, Kermit the Frog makes an appearance, the jug-band practices, Jacob is a pedophile, Carlisle just won't put his pants on, and Edward is pretty. This one is a little short, but it's doubly weird to make up for it.

And just in case you're wondering, yes, every chapter WILL have pants in the title.

**CHAPTER 2 -- **

**OTTERS JUST DON'T WEAR PANTS**

When we last left our heroes...ahem...wait...

When we last left those people who we only give half a damn about, they had decided to form a jug-band and win the fifty dollar prize.

But they hadn't foreseen this new horror.

KERMIT THE FROG.

"It's not easy being green." he said sadly.

"It's not easy being pants-less." Carlisle said, equally as sadly.

"It's not easy being pretty." Edward sighed.

"How would you know?" Kermit asked.

"I'M PRETTY!" sobbed Edward, banging his head repeatedly on the wall.

Just then, Alice dragged in a pancake that vaguely resembled Bella.

"What happened to her?" asked Carlisle.

"Steam roller." Alice said sadly, already making plans for Bella's future as a throw rug. "Carlisle will you -- MAN, GET SOME DAMN PANTS ALREADY!"

"Otters just don't wear pants, Alice. Otters just don't wear pants." he said sadly, shaking his head.

As the room absorbed this piece of wisdom, Rosalie and Jacob entered, bickering.

"Knock KNOCK, Rosalie!"

"Who's THERE, Jacob?"

"Peanut butter."

"Peanut butter who?"

"Peanut butter I HATE YOUR IMMORTAL GUTS WITH EVERY FLAMING FIBER OF MY BEING AND ONE DAY WISH TO RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND NAIL IT ABOVE MY DOORWAY WHERE THE BIRDS WILL SLOWLY PICK YOUR EYES OUT AND EAT YOUR TONGUE!!"

"Calm down, Jacob." said Alice, grabbing a random baby from a random person who was walking by.

"BUT SHE--I'm over it." he said, as Alice held the baby up.

"PEDOPHILE!" screamed Kermit the Frog, and a pile of Muppets dove on Jacob.

"Miss Piggy...suffocating...with...BOOBS!" Jacob gasped under the pile.

"Time to start our band!" Alice cried happily. "Who wants to play Bella?"

"I think it's only right that **I** play Bella." Edward said sadly, picking up his squashed lover, grabbing a wooden spoon and tapping out a catchy beat on her pancake-y self.

Emmett blew on his jug to the beat.

Rosalie grabbed a random guy and poked him with a pin to the rhythm, which now sounded like,

"_Tap tap tap tap_ **toot toot toot toot **HEY, WATCH IT! _tap tap tap_ **toot toot **STOP POKING ME WITH THAT PIN!"

Jacob began to choke from under the Muppets, and Esme blew on a crack pipe rhythmically.

"_Tap tap tap _**toot toot toot toot **I THINK I'M BLEEDING! **_CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE_** bLoW bLoW bLoW."

"We sound good!" Emmett exclaimed.

"But...but...DON'T I GET TO BE IN THE BAND?" Jasper asked, sounding crushed.

"You can be the water boy." Esme told him.

"What do I do?" Jasper asked.

"I dunno...swim?" Esme suggested.

"What about me?" asked Carlisle sadly.

"And me?" Alice asked, even sadder-er.

"You guys can form a synchronized swimming team!" Esme exclaimed.

"Do I have to wear pants?" asked Carlisle warily.

"No." Esme replied.

"I'm in!" Carlisle exclaimed, punching his fist in the air.

"Back to practice!" Emmett yelled, as the synchronized swimmers ran to find standing water.

"_Tap tap tap tap_ **toot toot toot toot **HOLY CHEEZIT! _**CHOKE CHOKE CHOKE** _bLoW bLoW bLoW bLoW."

MEANWHILE

"I can't swim." Alice sighed.

"Me neither." Carlisle agreed.

"Define 'swimming'." Jasper said, making air quotes around 'swimming'.

"Keeping your head above water." Alice said, glaring at him.

"Okay, me neither."

"Maybe we should dance hip-hop instead." Carlisle suggested.

"...Why?" Alice asked, raising an eyebrow.

"...I saw a movie." Carlisle said sheepishly.

They sad in subdued silence for a moment.

Then, Jasper yelled,

"EUREKA!"

"What?" Carlisle and Alice asked in unison.

"I dunno, I just wanted to yell 'eureka' and see what you would do." Jasper shrugged.

"Okay, let's go with hip-hop." Alice sighed.

"Yay!" Carlisle yelled.

What will happen to our hip-hopping jug-playing heroes now?

Why doesn't Jacob just suffocate already?

Why is Bella's death SO hysterical?

Will Carlisle get some foreign otter-jock disease from going pants-less?

Read on to find out!

(No, really, if you're still reading, get yourself some help.)


	3. Feel The PantsLess Breeze

Disclaimer: Considering I'm still in prison from the LAST disclaimer, I think we all know what I mean to say.

A/N -- In this darling little chapter, Tim Allen is part of Rosalie's evil subplot, Bambi's dad dies, Emmett gets some shocking news from Kermit, and yes, there IS a Vampire Rule Book! This one may give you seizures, and that's an understatement. Also, I use the f-word ONE TIME, so if you're going to yap at me, remember you were warned.

This chapter didn't have too many pants jokes, so a title was hard to find. I hope it doesn't suck too badly.

**CHAPTER 3 --**

**FEEL THE PANTS-LESS BREEZE**

When we last left our hero-- um, acquaintances, they had not been fed for quite some time.

It was feeding time for the synchronized swimmers / hip-hop dancers.

"Bambi, one day this will all be yours." said an important looking dear to his young, before a rabid vampire pounced on him and ripped his head off.

"JASPER!" Alice yelled. "YOU KILLED BAMBI'S DAD!!"

"Yeah. Do you want Mufasa?" asked Jasper, indicating another Disney cartoon.

"NO I DO NOT WANT MUFASA!" Alice yelled, horrified.

"I DO!" Carlisle yelled, jumping up and down.

"You two are sick, sick men." Alice sobbed. "AND ONE OF YOU ISN'T WEARING PANTS!"

"Feel the pants-less breeze!"Carlisle sang, running threw a convenient flowery meadow.

"That joke had to be made at some point." sighed Jasper. "I'm glad it's over with."

MEANWHILE, WITH THE PEOPLE WHO **ARE NOT **KILLING BELOVED DISNEY CHARACTERS

"I need a new guy to poke." Rosalie said. Her old victim lay on the floor, bleeding from all the minuscule pricks on his body. "Who knew a pin could kill you?"

"Um, yeah, and could someone re-run-over Bella? She's not as flat as she was before." Edward said.

"My crack pipe needs crack." Esme stated.

Jacob choked helpfully.

"Awwww. You always know what to say." Edward said, smiling at the pile of Muppets.

"NO!!" Emmett yelled. His otter eyes were bloodshot and he twitched uncontrollably. "WE MUST KEEP PRACTICING TO WIN THE FIFTY DOLLAR PRIZE!!"

"Um...guys?" Kermit the Frog said.

"WHAT?" Emmett rasped.

"The talent contest was last week." Kermit informed them.

They all stared in silence.

"Then why the HELL are we here?" asked Rosalie after a shocked moment.

"Um...to learn an important lesson about the meaning of Christmas?" Kermit offered.

"Dammit you frog, Tim Allen could have taught us an important lesson about the meaning of Christmas! And we wouldn't have had to turn into otters to do it!" Rosalie yelled, shaking Kermit.

"But Tim Allen is creepy." Edward protested mildly.

"GO FUCK A CHICKEN!" Rosalie screamed, throwing Bella at him like a ninja star.

"Hey! Watch it! You could hurt someone with that flattened teenager!" Esme scolded.

Jacob choked his agreement from under the Muppets.

In a fit, Rosalie threw a baby at the pile.

"PEDOPHILE!" Kermit screamed again, and the entire cast of Sesame Street piled on too.

"WHERE ARE WE GETTING ALL THESE BABIES TO TOSS AROUND?" Esme asked frantically.

"China." Edward replied, patting her on the back.

"Oh, well, that's alright then." Esme said, relieved.

Just then, the door burst open and Tim Allen ran in.

"Did someone say Tim Allen?" he asked breathlessly.

"About three paragraphs of dialogue ago. Where the hell have you been?" Rosalie asked.

"Well, you HAPPENED to call me in the middle of my yoga class, so--"

"Just get your fat home-improving ass over here." Rosalie sighed. "You see, as a slapdash evil subplot that I just thought of three paragraphs ago, I have decided to--"

"Join the Navy?" Edward guessed.

"No! I decided to--"

"Go to clown school?" Esme asked.

"NO!"

"Slap my ass and call me sassy?" Emmett put in.

Everyone stared at him.

"Hey, it was a good try, alright?" he snapped, curling around his jug protectively.

"No, I decided to...BITE TIM ALLEN AND MAKE HIM IMMORTAL!"

"NO! YOU CAN'T! IT'S WRITTEN IN THE VAMPIRE RULE BOOK THAT NO SITCOM STAR MAY BE BITTEN!" Esme gasped.

"There's no vampire rule book, Esme." Rosalie said.

"Yes there is!" Esme argued, grabbing a copy of 'Cosmopolitan' and scribbling 'Vampire Rule Book' on it in Sharpie.

"See?" she said triumphantly, holding it up.

"Why is Hayden Panettiere on the cover of the Vampire Rule Book?" asked Rosalie dryly.

"Didn't you know that she's a vampire?" asked Esme imperiously. "Just a very ugly one!"

"This is ridiculous!" Rosalie muttered.

"No it's not!" Esme cried, flipping open the magazine. "Let me read you a passage from this most holy book. 'Guys really like it when you--um, no...Um...some ways to lift your boobs are...um...DON'T BITE TIM ALLEN! THERE it is!"

"Let me see that." Rosalie snapped, grabbing the magazine. Sure enough, in the middle of the page, there was a blurb which clearly stated,

"DON'T BITE TIM ALLEN!"

"You know, I'm not going to enquire about that." Rosalie said, shuddering slightly. "But usually, villains don't CARE about the rules!"

"But look what happened when Jasper bit Bill Cosby!" Edward exclaimed, pointing to a corner. In it, a man sat rocking and muttering,

"Rudy, get me some baby blood. I'm so very thiiiirsty...Theo, make me a chocolate cake and drizzle it with your blood...Yes, mwahahaha..."

"So that didn't turn out so well." Rosalie shrugged. "Tim Allen is less crazed to begin with."

"Yeah, but...what about when Carlisle bit Roseanne?" Edward asked, pointing to the opposite corner where a woman danced around mumbling,

"I'm lower middle-class but I have a good heart! Which pumps...BLOOD! My family is dysfunctional, and we get in lots of...BLOODY fights!" And other various blood-related puns about her lower middle-class life and dysfunctional family.

"Oooookay, so Roseanne has a few screws loose. But she has a good heart!" Rosalie argued. "Also her family is dysfunctional!"

Everyone sighed and shook their heads.

This was going to be harder than they thought.

Will Rosalie bite Tim Allen?

Will Jacob ever cease in his sinful, pedophile-y ways?

Will Emmett lose his mind over jug-related trauma?

Why do I ask you questions at the end of every chapter?

Read on to find out!

(I've pretty much given up on anyone who's still reading. You are BEYOND any help anyone can give you. You need to be heavily sedated and locked away.)


End file.
